she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
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just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
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I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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