Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
