Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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