If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
