I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
