when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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