i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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