So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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