Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
