Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
