I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
