the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I could fuck to npr.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
