She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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