why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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