Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
