Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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