If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
