i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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