So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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