Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
