Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
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All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
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If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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