sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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