You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
