That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
