just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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