I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
