Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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