i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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