Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I need a burrito and a hug.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
