You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
