Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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