I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
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Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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