Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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