i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
