Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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