Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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