I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I lost the right to judge tonight
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
