I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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