You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
