proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
