I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
