If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
