never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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