Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
