Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
