Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
