I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
