i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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