so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Boobs speak an international language.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
