I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
