i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
