Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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