splinters make it hard to masturbate
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
