i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize