So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
