Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
